Last night almost pulled me into the throws of madness. I couldn't feel my toes and I could see my breath as I huddled under my mountain of blankets. People say it never gets this cold here. After hanging up the phone with my dear friend, my heart froze over and I felt the ghost's presence like never before. The heater was, again, projecting dancing shadows on the wall and I heard soft breathing sounds, like gentle snores. Despite my best efforts, I let fear envelop me, and I called him back. He, of course, doesn't believe in ghosts and told me to calm myself. I told him I was afraid I was losing my mind. He said he wasn't going to go there, but now that I mention it, perhaps I was right. He was busy and I felt bad for disturbing him so I let him go about his business, and again, I was alone with the feeling. I began to calm myself and almost drifted to sleep when I felt the couch shake beneath me as if struck by a small earthquake.
There are no earthquakes in New Orleans.
I spun into hysterics and called Marika who consoled me the best she could, but I was inconsolable. I ended up falling asleep from exhaustion because my tears were so violent. I woke up puffy eyed and groggy, knowing that I had to do something about this, because I have more important things to worry about, more hearts to care for, more minds to nourish, to be so afraid.
I am brave as fuck. Anyone who knows me knows this. And being brave means doing things even when you are afraid, and further, conquering that fear with a vengeance.
I went out, rocked my job interview and landed a job that makes me bubble over with excitement. I will be working for an organization called "Young Audiences", a non profit organization that does arts education for children. I will be working in the after school program and I get to create my own curriculum, which is absolutely my wet dream! The supervisor liked me so much that she wants to start me right away with kindergarten kids. I proposed a sample lesson to her, where I will incorporate movement and theatre by showing the kids how to use their bodies and voices to become animals from all over the world. It is required to have a performance at the end of the lesson series, so I proposed to have a small play where the children pretend to be different animals and they can help me create the plot and such. It will be especially positive for aggressive children, who can exercise their aggression in a healthy, artistic way by pretending to be a lion or a bear (hopefully they don't maul the children who pretend to be bunnies....)
Anyway, when I came home from my triumphant interview, I lit my sage stick and walked around the entire apartment proclaiming respectfully, yet assertively, "You will not scare me, I will feel safe here, I want to live here in peace with you, but I will not allow you to scare me". I used sage before, and ASKED her not to scare me, but that obviously wasn't enough. Now, though I am feeling a bit of anxiety, I do not feel fear. I think I am mostly just processing everything that is happening. It's only been 2 weeks and I have already moved into my own apartment, landed a brilliant job, wrangled with a spirit, gotten involved with community projects, and countless other things. I suppose this is what it means to run.
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